the end of maternity leave

it's no secret that i've been having a hard time going back to work and starting violet in daycare, but the truth is, she's doing a lot better than me. in fact, her only true meltdown was on day one, and now, on her fourth week, she clearly likes her teachers and is keenly interested in the other kids. she's such an observer that when i tried to get her attention to say goodbye yesterday, she kept craning her little turtle neck to see around my face, to watch the teachers open the packaging on some new toys. so this is how it's going to be, i see. first it's baby body language for "get out of my way, mom." next it's "get the f out of my face, hag!" and finally, "omg, prune breath."

so i'm back at work. i still really like my job, and kevin and i are getting the nightly chore thing down. things are looking up, despite my unwarranted doom and gloom. it will be nice when we're able to carve out a little more weekend time for r&r instead of chore catch-up, but we've also been enjoying the forced low-keyness of this stage of life. we walk to aroma cafe with violet in the bjorn and get coffee and cookies (mmm chocolate truffle cookie). the past two saturday nights have involved an outing to whole foods. violet LOVES the grocery store. i hope it stays that way.

other things she loves:



6-10 football teams.



bath time. seriously kicks and giggles and coos every time we set foot in the bathroom each night. we alternate "soap night" and "jacuzzi."



that's right, tummy time. i never thought i'd see the day, but now that she can practically roll across the room, she'll hardly stay on her back, unless a delicious toy is dangling within mouth's reach. other times, she has to work a little harder to get to the good ones. these make me laugh:



must. have. plastic. NOW.



nom nom nom nom nom.

my apologies, these pictures are already a couple of weeks old, but i'll catch up soon, i promise. after all, i'm back at work, so ironically i have more free time on my hands, even despite the hardcore milk-pumping regimen that i'm trying to maintain.

maybe it's the hormones and the hazy "mom brain" (hate that phrase), but i feel like i'm forgetting bits and pieces of my maternity leave. while there were definitely days where i felt desperate to leave violet in someone else's care - to escape the screaming, to sit down, to go to the bathroom when i had to go, to eat when i was hungry - it's those feelings that are already the hardest to access. thank you, revisionist memory. here's what i'm already nostalgic for:

the excitement of daddy getting home from work, even the dogs leaping like the bellagio fountain.

reading too many baby books and trash magazines in the leather chair while violet slept in my lap.

watching the barefoot contessa everyday while violet nursed (or slept in my lap). i must have seen the lentil soup episode and the chocolate cupcake episode three times each, but i would have watched them again. i love you, food network holiday programming.

listening to holiday radio while "running errands" - an excuse for a banana chocolate chip muffin from joan's on third for me, an extra long car nap for violet.

violet staring contentedly at the flower decals on her nursery wall.

violet listening avidly to the leaves rustling in the yard, and her eyes trying to keep up with the dogs playing chase.

all the dance parties, from the mountain goats rock-to-sleep, to the dinner-prep decemberists, to the big band fussy-be-gone, and especially auntie courtney's christmas playlist - some of violet's first true giggles of delight.

violet sleeping in the sling late at night on the couch, no matter how loudly kevin and i were laughing.

reading lydia davis's "what you learn about the baby" with kevin, and again by myself, and again. ("you learn to be idle, how to do nothing. that is the new thing in your life - to do nothing. to do nothing and not be impatient about doing nothing. it is easy to do nothing and become impatient. it is not easy to do nothing and not mind it, not mind the hours passing, the hours of the morning passing and then the hours of the afternoon, and one day passing and the next passing, while you do nothing.") well, nothing but sustain a life other than your own. it's so, so hard, but i imagine that's a big part of why it's so rewarding.