family fiesta day revisited

i have those "this time last year" moments all the time, where i'm struck by the differences (or occasionally their absence) between our life then and now, but for some reason, this past friday, daycare's annual "family fiesta day" hit me harder than most. a few days beforehand, kevin sent me his favorite photo from last year's fiesta



and i felt a wave of, i don't know, post-traumatic anxiety that rolled into relief like a slow-breaking surf. last spring was so hard. every time i think about violet's first week in daycare, i find myself instinctively closing my eyes. after i got called back the first day because the carers had spent two unsuccessful hours trying to quell violet's screaming sobs, i spent the second day camped out in my car in a starbucks parking lot across the street, pumping breast milk in between crying jags, writing shaky-handed thank you notes for baby gifts atop my copy of the milk memos, so i'd be sixty seconds away if our tiny girl, 16 weeks old, needed me.

then we were sick for months. when kevin's mom visited, i was worried about my hacking bronchitis keeping her up at night more so than violet's wake-ups. there was that reprieve when violet cleared the wait list at daycare on campus, but then the terror of transitioning her, more tears, the utter heartbreak of 45-minute car rides twice a day. i could hardly write about it then, could barely even talk about it. i imagine that someday, probably soon, i'll recall it with tears of laughter.

i can't speak for kevin's experience comparing last spring to this, but i wouldn't want the responsibility of trying to console the me of then.

but i remember so vividly the joy of family fiesta day. violet had been at the new daycare for six weeks at that point and was well settled, bff with her primary carer. it was sweltering, over 100 degrees in april, and the time had just changed so it was light out later and i was daydreaming of summer bbqs. kevin made the long trek from work to be there, and it all just felt like the start of something - of years of evenings to come where we skip out of work early to steal moments with violet, soccer games or piano recitals, open houses and graduations.

this year's family fiesta day, there were no breast horns to sterilize when we got home. violet told me what snack she wanted for the drive and cheered "yay" at my rendition of "five little monkeys," sung without the hoarse throat of relentless illness and the interruption of yawns. obviously things are easier, and although it's really a larger subject for another conversation, what's most different for me is the acceptance - the comfortably (though surely never entirely) adjusted expectations. in the first year it's hard enough dealing with the hormones, the sleep deprivation, the insecurity about the decisions you're making, and then you've got to come to terms with everything you've so abruptly (however temporarily) sacrificed, the book reading, the serial television, the workouts and the waistline, the restaurants and the hot food, the uninterrupted conversations (not to mention time spent) with friends, the quiet minutes just sitting there alone on the couch watching the light filter through the curtains or laying in bed watching the blades of the ceiling fan spin, and then you get to feel guilty that you miss any of that, that you're such a selfish person that you'd even think about missing any of that, much less breathe a word of complaint to anyone given your spectacular good fortune, your healthy, happy, adorable, perfectly imperfect child that you chose, after all, to bring into the world, and who (as you yet so easily harmonize with the parent chorus) brings more joy into your life than you could've ever imagined - joy that's only possible because of the contrast of the pain and frustration that's come with it. i don't know what i'm getting at exactly, and frankly i don't have the time or inclination to tinker with this (so maybe that means i shouldn't be posting it, ha!), but i think the short of it is that there was a lot of joy last year too, but not as much pleasure. it's nice to have more of the pleasure back, especially given the fact that the joy keeps on coming.

and as for violet's then and now...

last year, she didn't know the joy of a subway sandwich.



last year, she didn't know the satisfaction of a good hand wash (or ten).



last year, she didn't know her own name.





last year, she would hardly give kevin the time of day. (now, if he tries to sleep in on sundays, there's a little person pounding on the door and shouting "wake! up! dada!")



so i know it's a fake holiday, but happy family fiesta day to you and yours.

wah! chah! moh!

violet is putting more and more words together, conveniently just in time to demand more chocolate. which apparently is like speed for babies. i'll get to that in a minute.

this talking in "sentences" thing is as incredible as it is adorable. violet is drunk with the power. her first one -- "park, go!" -- occurred precisely one day before her 18-month check-up. (fodder for another post, but the lightweight champ is undertipping the scales at 19 lbs flat despite cheese binges to put pierres everywhere to shame.) regarding my personal favorite among the first "sentences," i do this thing where i tickle her and swing her around while saying "mama attack!" and the other day she goes, "mama, tack!" i was like, what? you want the mama attack? and she goes "yeah!" and so mama attacked for more giggles. happiness (mine) is an understatement. for the record, her most popular phrases are: "nana. house. go!"; "vivi. choo choo. ride!"; "all done car!"; and of course "want ama!"

which brings us to easter. we're not celebrating with my family until saturday due to scheduling conflicts, so on actual easter, we did a little practice egg hunt to prepare violet for the more extravagant affair at nana's house. violet caught on quickly to the game, and as i couldn't stop myself from including a couple pieces of chocolate (thanks to my own fond -- like very very fond -- memories of egg hunt booty), violet caught on even more quickly to the opportunity to score goodies.



she climbed herself up into a lawn chair and enjoyed her spoils.



which brings us, of course, to "wah! chah! moh!"

evidently i've developed immunity to the relatively low caffeine content of my dark chocolate (perhaps since i eat it everyday?) because i honestly didn't think it would impact her. let's just say i hope our accountant never makes that kind of miscalculation. somehow we managed to get to a local restaurant/bar to meet friends for dinner before the sugar hit. here's the one-second calm before the clouds opened up:



there's not much to tell really. i spent most of the meal outside, with violet doing sprints up and down the sidewalk, whirling in circles, and giggling and shrieking maniacally. there weren't any repercussions, except that her younger buddy jack -- a newly minted walker -- took a header trying to "run" with her. i'm sure his parents just told everyone he'd been in a bar fight, because that's what celebs do in the outlying valley.

from this blog you'd think that violet's four food groups were ice cream, chocolate, beignets and kit kat, so i feel compelled to state that we do, in fact, feed her food with nutrients. she likes salmon, beans, eggs, berries, apples, sweet potatoes and other members of the superfoods family. when she feels like eating them of course, in typical toddler style. but the girl does love a treat, and thus a big shout out to grandma linden and grandpa chick for the incredibly delicious chocolate cake pops they sent for easter.

violet admired the cuteness of the bunny...



just before she bit its face off.





i let her taste the chick too, and then she reached over and picked up her toothbrush. i swear this wasn't staged.



she alternated between the two until i took away the chick (objection overruled). everything in moderation. although she may give up chocolate until next lent.

last baby standing

what you see featured in the above photo is this:

me: smile for the camera!
v: no.
me: just one smile?
v: no.
me: would you like 50% more cash?
v: no.
me: but it's more money!

i can't imagine where this camera resistance is coming from.



the big news is that today is violet's first full day in the toddler room. she's officially moved from koalas to dolphins. she remains obsessed with her thug-in-crime colton, who just transitioned three weeks ago, and i caught a lucky break this morning when a seat was open next to him at the breakfast table. "coco!" violet shouted before running a lap around the room and then climbing into the available chair. she's still a little small for the sized-up toddler seats. she did urge me down next to her, and i hung out for about ten minutes (and a strawberry) before giving her a quick kiss and escaping without any tears (from either of us). hooray!

even though it means she's growing up (fast), kevin and i are both pretty excited about the toddler room because she's really ready for it. there are so many more planned activities, and it's apparent that violet is intensely interested in all of this new stuff. look at her, sitting up straight and paying attention like such a big girl.



last week's big news was that both infant rooms experienced an outbreak of hand, foot and mouth disease, which is not, as several of my hamburger-consuming coworkers have asked, the same thing that cows get. the notice went up on tuesday, but i didn't think much of it. there's some virus on the loose practically every week at daycare. when i checked her in on wednesday, however, it was impossible not to notice that less than half of the babies were there, and when we arrived on thursday, there were only three babies left! violet's primary teacher gave her the full body scan and agreed with me that the pinprick blemishes around her mouth were just her usual irritation, but about ten minutes after i sat down at my desk, the phone rang. the center director was sending her home, at least until a doctor's note stated that the bumps weren't HFM. feeling a little defiant (because i could tell violet was healthy, no fever, good spirits), i was able to score a 10am appointment with the ped. i didn't think any doctor would write a note explicitly stating that a kid did not have a specific virus, and while the ped (her usual ped's partner) obviously couldn't say she wasn't going to come down with symptoms, he did say if he was a betting man, he'd bet she didn't have it -- and he agreed that the bumps were most certainly not it. about an hour later, i returned to the baby room with a note that said "dx: dermititis. violet is cleared to return to school." we walked in to find all of the teachers basically sitting around. the last two babies had been sent home with fevers. of the 24 babies, violet was the last one standing. as kevin said, she won the hunger games of the baby room.

(and the jinx is in.)

this past weekend, we were in san diego for our dear friend leigh's gorgeous wedding, and saturday night was the first in over 18 months that i haven't put violet to bed. the seven hours was also the longest that kevin and i have spent together away from her (aside from every workday of course), but with nana, poppy and auntie courtney to play with, violet had a full dance card. reportedly, bedtime was extremely cute. my mom and sister cuddled in the big bed with her and turned on toy story. violet, who has yet to really watch TV much less a movie, was enthralled. my sister used the opportunity to sneak away and grab the sprinkles cupcake that i'd brought down for her, and when she reappeared in bed, violet of course took note. as courtney started eating, violet looked back and forth from TV to cupcake, TV to cupcake, and finally inched over to courtney, who asked if she wanted a bite. violet nodded emphatically. after feeding her a couple of bites, courtney gently reclined violet onto a pillow. toddler belly poking out of her pjs, queen violet ate a few more crumbs before her eyes started to glaze. nana popped in the paci, and violet drifted off.

of course the more things change...