family fiesta day revisited

i have those "this time last year" moments all the time, where i'm struck by the differences (or occasionally their absence) between our life then and now, but for some reason, this past friday, daycare's annual "family fiesta day" hit me harder than most. a few days beforehand, kevin sent me his favorite photo from last year's fiesta



and i felt a wave of, i don't know, post-traumatic anxiety that rolled into relief like a slow-breaking surf. last spring was so hard. every time i think about violet's first week in daycare, i find myself instinctively closing my eyes. after i got called back the first day because the carers had spent two unsuccessful hours trying to quell violet's screaming sobs, i spent the second day camped out in my car in a starbucks parking lot across the street, pumping breast milk in between crying jags, writing shaky-handed thank you notes for baby gifts atop my copy of the milk memos, so i'd be sixty seconds away if our tiny girl, 16 weeks old, needed me.

then we were sick for months. when kevin's mom visited, i was worried about my hacking bronchitis keeping her up at night more so than violet's wake-ups. there was that reprieve when violet cleared the wait list at daycare on campus, but then the terror of transitioning her, more tears, the utter heartbreak of 45-minute car rides twice a day. i could hardly write about it then, could barely even talk about it. i imagine that someday, probably soon, i'll recall it with tears of laughter.

i can't speak for kevin's experience comparing last spring to this, but i wouldn't want the responsibility of trying to console the me of then.

but i remember so vividly the joy of family fiesta day. violet had been at the new daycare for six weeks at that point and was well settled, bff with her primary carer. it was sweltering, over 100 degrees in april, and the time had just changed so it was light out later and i was daydreaming of summer bbqs. kevin made the long trek from work to be there, and it all just felt like the start of something - of years of evenings to come where we skip out of work early to steal moments with violet, soccer games or piano recitals, open houses and graduations.

this year's family fiesta day, there were no breast horns to sterilize when we got home. violet told me what snack she wanted for the drive and cheered "yay" at my rendition of "five little monkeys," sung without the hoarse throat of relentless illness and the interruption of yawns. obviously things are easier, and although it's really a larger subject for another conversation, what's most different for me is the acceptance - the comfortably (though surely never entirely) adjusted expectations. in the first year it's hard enough dealing with the hormones, the sleep deprivation, the insecurity about the decisions you're making, and then you've got to come to terms with everything you've so abruptly (however temporarily) sacrificed, the book reading, the serial television, the workouts and the waistline, the restaurants and the hot food, the uninterrupted conversations (not to mention time spent) with friends, the quiet minutes just sitting there alone on the couch watching the light filter through the curtains or laying in bed watching the blades of the ceiling fan spin, and then you get to feel guilty that you miss any of that, that you're such a selfish person that you'd even think about missing any of that, much less breathe a word of complaint to anyone given your spectacular good fortune, your healthy, happy, adorable, perfectly imperfect child that you chose, after all, to bring into the world, and who (as you yet so easily harmonize with the parent chorus) brings more joy into your life than you could've ever imagined - joy that's only possible because of the contrast of the pain and frustration that's come with it. i don't know what i'm getting at exactly, and frankly i don't have the time or inclination to tinker with this (so maybe that means i shouldn't be posting it, ha!), but i think the short of it is that there was a lot of joy last year too, but not as much pleasure. it's nice to have more of the pleasure back, especially given the fact that the joy keeps on coming.

and as for violet's then and now...

last year, she didn't know the joy of a subway sandwich.



last year, she didn't know the satisfaction of a good hand wash (or ten).



last year, she didn't know her own name.





last year, she would hardly give kevin the time of day. (now, if he tries to sleep in on sundays, there's a little person pounding on the door and shouting "wake! up! dada!")



so i know it's a fake holiday, but happy family fiesta day to you and yours.